Houston, we have a problem...

I've been reminded more than once recently that I haven't written anything in my blog in a verrryy long time.  Not that I've needed a reminder...

I don't know what to write.  It's the same problem I had deciding what to focus on as a public speaker.  Do I go for sheer entertainment value - milk the laughs - pander to the audience (not that I'm above that kind of thing).  Or do I aim higher, attempt to educate the masses, make the world a better place.  What are you laughing at - I'm serious!

This isn't a new issue for me.  When I became a Christian at the tender age of sixteen, I not only disgraced my family (leave it to me to become the black sheep by getting 'saved'), I also received an edict to 'save the world' (kind of a heavy rap for a junior in high school - a preacher also challenged me to "be a prude for God" but that's a story for a different day - let's just say I didn't fare too well with that one either).  Ever since, I've struggled to know what to do with myself (damn that Jesus anyway). 

'Normal' life and I just don't mix.  I get a 'normal' job (corporate America, 9-5 - well, actually, let's face it - it's more like 8-6 or 7-'whenever'), and within months I'm struggling to understand what the blazes I'm doing there - other than keep the paycheck coming in, which is, let's face it, a heckuva motivator.

So then I start scheming - how can I find work that's fulfilling, that means something to me.  I want to contribute, do something I can get excited about.  This kind of deranged lunacy has led me to, in order, go to another country and 'save the Scots', move halfway across country to start a church ('save the Midwesterners'), quit charading as a preacher and become a disc jockey (save the Arbitron ratings), and then decide to shift gears and become a psychologist (save the neurotics).  Immediately upon graduation with a Master's degree in Shrinkology, I nipped that career in the bud to take acting lessons and move to California to make it as an actor (God save us all), after which I spent 2 years driving across country with vanloads of nubile Europeans, showing them the sights and sleeping in tents in national parks (sometimes I even slept in my own tent), before having to get a 'real job' again.  I held onto the 'real' job for a few months before quitting to make it as a direct mail copywriter ('save the masses for only $19.99 - act NOW!').  I quit the 'real job' the day before my 34th birthday because I couldn't bear being a delivery truck driver at age 34 - this will become relevant in a few paragraphs - I'll wake you up when we get there. 

The copywriting bit of course lead to having to get another 'real job' from which I was also laid off, after which I quite logically decided that instead of getting another 'real job', what I really needed to do was start a nonprofit program for kids (I found out they weren't kidding about the nonprofit part) - right AFTER I sold all my possessions and moved all the way across country to strike it rich by looking for work following a disaster on the East Coast (I wasn't the disaster - the disaster was a hurricane and I was following it - alright, let's face it, by this point I was pretty much a disaster too - let's just move on...). 

All of this convinced me to write a self-improvement book on How to Succeed in Life in 10 Easy Steps (thank you, thank you - insert your own joke here - I see no need to add further commentary - although I will take this opportunity to take credit for the whole Dream Team idea - mine, mine, mine - way before the Chicken Soup guys - I even have documented proof - just another example of my brilliant marketing strategy - think of a great idea, develop it, and then wait until someone else comes along and turns it into boatloads of cash - I'm a genius). 

I supported myself during this venture by working as administrative fodder for the Disney company.  So what happened then? I know this will shock you.  Yup, I was laid off.  What goes around, comes around, and around, and around... 

In a moment of inspiration (who says lightning can't strike the same person multiple times) I determined that this time I was NOT getting a 'real job'.  No sirree.  I was going to make serious dough (and of course save the world) as A CORPORATE TRAINER! (In self-defense, I have to say the sales pitch was unbelievable -- "Travel! See the world! Especially the inside of hotel rooms!" Who could resist?). 

So I spent two years getting paid sporadically to be a trainer and coach.  It's amazing how broke you can get charging $125 an hour when you only get paid for 4 or 5 hours a week.  I'm still not sure how my business plan could have failed.  I had everything I needed - except experience, contacts, capital, and customers.  Must have just been bad luck. 

Back to 'real job'-land - well, actually not quite - by this time I'd reached a level of such God-forsaken poverty and was so out of touch with the real world that I had to work for several months as a courier (who says God doesn't have a sense of irony - I remember quitting my 'real job' years before, saying I wouldn't subject myself to the embarrassment of being a delivery boy anymore...) and moonlighted as an $8 an hour security guard at one of those chain pet stores (that will be sure to go on my success bio when the book gets published - Petco would be so proud).

Eventually I convinced a couple of real companies to hire me.  (Believe it or not, this is the edited version - I've left out several levels of moronicy, because even I have limits to the amount of abject humiliation I will expose myself to - um, well, then again maybe not). 

Of course, after a couple of years at the real job, I decided to quit and (see if you've heard this one before) move halfway across country to save the world (something about the Midwest - those folks sure need a lot of saving - at least this time it was with environmental plastic instead of Jesus - I suppose this could be considered progress).

Let's take a moment to reflect, shall we?

Aaaaaaaaaggghhhhh!

(I miss Charlie Brown - that yell was best just after he went flying keister over teakettle - again - for trying to kick the football and having Lucy yank it out from under him at the last possible moment.  Charles Shulz once made it clear - "Charlie is never going to kick that football.  He's going to get conned into kicking it by Lucy time and time again, and she's always going to pull it away at the last second."  Shulz had an uncanny ability to understand the human condition - he was also a bit of a sadist.)

I don't want to be Charlie Brown.  I want to be James Bond.  The reality is I'm neither.  And both.

Shit.

I started out this morning trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  This is something I've been doing for about 30 years now, give or take a decade.

The problem is, I'm 48 years old.  The growing up part is done.  I'm growed.  This is it.

Now what?

I'm keeping my day job this time.  I swear.  I'm primed to move up the corporate ladder - unless of course I tick off everyone I work for - so far I've only annihilated 3 or 4 key relationships with upper management - keeping my mouth shut and being appropriately politically angled is a gift I've yet to fully develop but I think I'm just a late bloomer...

In the meantime, I have my health and loved ones and when you've got those, you have everything, right? 

So why am I still so frustrated?  I want more.  Not just more stuff (though I'd love to get a Harley - Softtail, fatboy, yo baby).  I need more fulfillment.  More connection.  More purpose.

When I was sixteen, God gave me purpose.  It was great.  Just get everyone I know (and everyone I don't - basically, everyone) to love Jesus, and the whole world will be happy.  I tried to carry it out.  Honest.  I was serious about it.  It didn't work.  I wasn't happy.  The world wasn't happy.  I never checked with Jesus, but I'm guessing he wasn't thrilled with how it turned out either.

The problem is, that experience ruined me for anything else.  Where do you migrate to after "Saving the world"?  You can't really aim up from there.  You've pretty much hit your ceiling.  Actually, I shouldn't blame God for this.  I'm pretty certain that with or without Christianity, I'd have turned out dissatisfied and questing for meaning.  I want what I do to matter.  I want purpose, to feel I'm fulfilling a mission.

Maybe I just need to get laid.

I actually had a girlfriend until a couple of months ago (yes, for more than 2 months - I think we made it to 6, maybe even 8 - I'm afraid to go back and do the math).  She was pretty and smart.  She smelled great.  Until I discovered I was the only one who thought we were in love.  Ouch.  Actually, ouch doesn't cover it.  I was completely mystified by what took place.  When someone who has been in your life every day for an extended amount of time tells you they no longer want you, it's hard not to take personally.  You can say "it's not me, it's them" to yourself all you want, but let's face it, you're the one "standing there with the comical look on your face" (thanks Bogey).  It hurts.

My friends are all, almost universally, married with families, houses, normal lives.  Even the single ones have at least been married once - what's the saying?  'Tis better to have married and divorced, than never to have married at all.'  Something like that... 

I feel like a fake, a fraud.  I see it in the faces of my peers at work when they ask, "Do you have kids?"  I put my best spin on it, but there's just no way to mask the sense of failure and alienation - "Actually, I've never been married - no children."  The look of surprise and concern is palpable.  We start talking quickly again about work.  I can see it in their eyes.  They're confused, even worried.  "Wow. How old are you? What happened?"  I can feel the sense of failure - maybe my own more than theirs.  Somehow I'm not fulfilling my destiny.

I keep thinking that if I worked at something I loved, it would make a difference.  And it would.  But the reality is, in addition to making a meaningful contribution to the planet, everyone needs someone to love.  Someone to hold, someone to talk to.

So the question is, what next?  Simple.  Get back in the game.  Keep doing the things I enjoy.  Get involved in environmental stuff - there's a world to save out there (I haven't moved halfway across the country in two or three years now).  Maybe it's time to go to church (wait, who said that?).  It's funny, I keep getting emails with God in them from people who would never have been caught dead in church 30 years ago - uncles, aunts, friends, even my mother and sister - it seems like the whole world has gotten religion while I've been telling God to go f--- himself for the past 20 years. 

Maybe they know something I don't. 

It wouldn't be the first time.

Comments

[Sandra Jean]

Last night I got a really great tip from a Christian group who sat in my station. It was Psalms 1.

[Midnight Train]

Psalms 1? When I read Psalms, I never got that far (just kidding. I'll take a look). You see what I mean? I'm taking religious advice from my sister! Good Lord! (So to speak.)

[Dave]

I always enjoy your writings. You are very good at it. Personally I think you have found your calling. Keep your chin up and a smile on your face. Dave

[Angie]

It's about time you posted another blog! Keep em coming.