Ramblings of a Madman

Alexander Graham Bell is a Dead Man

My teeth are blue.

I have a Jawbone stuck in my ear.

I'm forced to carry around a Blackberry I can't eat OR operate, and it's hacking me off.

My wireless has fallen down and I can't get up.

It's true.  Every time I turn around I've acquired another gadget designed to improve/save/end my life and I can't make it stop.

AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!

I have a cell phone for work.  And a Bluetooth ear thingy for the work cell phone.  I have a cell phone for personal use.  And a Bluetooth Jawbone dealy-jobber for that.  My work cell phone is also a Blackberry that is supposed to update my calendar, send my emails, 'sync' with my work schedule, and do my taxes.  If I could get it to do my dishes, I'd be thrilled.  Right now it's just another pain in my glutimus.  My work buddy Jim got one two weeks ago.  It works great.  I got mine four months ago and no matter what technical genius works on it, the dang thing won't cooperate.  Don't tell me these things have artificial intelligence - artificial maybe but there's nothing intelligent about it.

My conversations on the phone have degenerated to protracted bouts of shouting "Can you hear me now?" into the vacuum of space, repeated approximately 47 times a minute, intermittently punctuated by "YES!  I can hear you.  Now shut the bleep up and leave me alone.  I'm tired of you phone solicitors intruding on my life" followed by "but Dad, this is your son - I just wanted to know if you got the Father's Day gift I sent..."

Meanwhile, I have to threaten death and dismemberment to get a live person on the phone anymore, no matter who I call.  Customer service is an ongoing exercise in rage and discouragement.  When I finally get a human being on the line through sheer will power and refusal to buy into the system (I'm going to keep punching "0" until a breathing entity answers the &*!#$%*@!! phone), it's Gupta Singh from the southern tip of Punjab, assuring me that he/she will be happy to help - until they find out I actually expect an answer to my question TODAY.

So now I wear a utility belt at work to accomodate my personal organizer/cell phone/camera/dvd recorder/video player/alarm clock/GPS tracking device/laptop computer/palm pilot thingy - which will all be outdated by the time I've finished reading the 87 manuals that accompany these labor-saving devices.  

I'm actually installing additional power outlets in my home to accommodate the eight gigawatts of electricity required to operate these gizmos.  When Christmas comes, I'm simply hanging all the gadgets outside from the eaves - figure it's simpler than lights and maybe one of Santa's helpers actually knows how one of the %*^*^#@ things works.

So how was your day today dear?  Oh honey, it was swell!  I electrocuted myself by accidentally blowing my nose while wearing an electric harness designed to absorb all the ambient rays of the sun as a supplemental power grid to provide an additional 8% of juice to my defibrillator corollary subservient to the abstructicator of my penile implant which gave me quite a goose during a board meeting and also shut down all the emergency power within a 7 block radius of our facility - which was especially impressive when I learned it included torching the firehouse next door.

I'd like to take both my "Jawbones" and stick them ceremoniously in Alexander Graham Bell's ears.

Must Lie Down Now...

Let me ask you, when was the last time you had a needle stuck in your ass - on purpose?

I'd like to go on record as saying the experience isn't nearly as much fun as it sounds.

That's because the reason I had it done is I've spent the past 2 plus days in as close to traction as you can get without actually being in the hospital.  I can't move.

These are the joys of being 48 - do normal, everyday stuff, like stepping out of your pants - aggravate a back injury you haven't experienced in 3 years and spend the weekend wincing in pain at even the slightest movement - and that's the good moments.

So I went to see Pam - for my money the best looking 60 year old double doctorate totin' chick on the planet, to have her stick needles in my tushie and pour Chinese herbal gunk down my gullet.  Fun times.

The good news is I'm catching up on all my TV watching - the Olympic games are slowing to a crawl, so I stopped at the cool neighborhood video store and picked up 6 - count 'em, 6 - DVDs to watch as I lay on my couch whimpering and moaning the weekend away.  So far I've watched 3 of them and can't wait to lie on my back some more today...

My back has just informed me that it wants to lay down.  I know this, because there is searing pain shooting from my hip into my buttocks and since there are no Chinese darts inserted in them at this point, I'll have to cut this short (the writing I mean).  I'll let you know if anything good comes on TV.